how to be a great parent

In high school, a buddy and I decided there were some things that we would definitely do once we had kids someday. Here are a few I can actually remember:

1.) Make their middle name "Fucking" (i.e. "My name is Josh Fucking Rankhorn), so that way they seem really serious and intense and no one will fuck with them, and your kid will turn out tough and cool.

2.) At breakfast, act like those parents from the cereal commercials who are all stupid and curious about the cereal in question. Say something like "But how DO they cram all that flavor into that little O?" or "So why do you kids EAT that stuff then?" and allow your kid to come up with some total wiseass response like "Get a CLUE, Dad! Pshht!" or "Because I'm a KID, that's why!" Then act like they totally zonked you with this response and that you're really confused by saying something like "Whaa?!" and doing a double take. This will boost their self confidence.

3.) On Christmas, stand outside their window dressed like Santa Claus and rev a chainsaw and just stare and laugh hysterically into their room. Keep standing there for a while, as a reminder that Christmas isn't about Santa, but is about Christian love and values.