the name game

Some people are just meant to have a nickname. I worked with a guy once who was pretty big and bald, but at the same time really friendly. When I had met him, he had gotten drunk the week before and carved an X into his shoulder that made a disgusting scar. On top of that his name was Ronnenbaum. Basically, you could come up with any cool nickname for this guy you could have wanted to. We used Striker, the Baumer, Slick (because of the baldness), Blade, Flyin' Ryan, all of which aren't bad nicknames.


Some people are on the other end of the spectrum and are prone to bad nicknames. In elementary school I knew a kid whose nickname was Fjord, like the geographical phenomenon prevalent in Scandinavia. His friends had been sitting in geography class no less, when they had to learn the terms isle, strait, fjord..."Oh my god, fjord. What a stupid word. Hey we're going to call you Fjord from now on." He laughed a little and didn't think anything of it, because as far as he knew, people couldn't claim a nickname that quickly or with such little effort. He was wrong. We still call him Fjord to this day, though I'm not sure if he hates it or what.

I never had a nickname growing up, besides the time my cousin called me "dickweed" when I was four years old. I turned to him, looked him in the eyes very intently, and clarified the situation, stating "I am not a dickweed." Actually, as a camp counselor, I did have a kid who called me Boner Washington, but I just told him to shut the fuck up and go back to bed before I had to come over there and shut him up for him. Boy, I really dodged a bullet there!

What I can distinguish between the two phenomena here is that people who look or are named like cartoon characters are those that are more likely to acquire nicknames, be they good or bad. People want their lives to be like the movies, and nicknames make them feel like they're part of a gang. So let's say a group of boys decides they're going to give out nicknames to one another. I hypothesize only the fat kid, the rat looking kid, or the smelly kid will have a good chance of keeping their names. The normals are off scott free.

What are the worst nicknames you've ever heard? Tell me, I'm intrigued.