In middle school, a group of us boys were standing around talking about guy stuff. Someone would say something like "Yeah, don't you hate it when your balls itch?", or "Don't you hate it when your dick almost gets caught in your zipper?" and everyone would relate to it and laugh and fun was had by all (notice I didn't use the term "male bonding", which is just about the worst term ever. Guys hate it when you use that term, because it completely negates the very action of being a guy by adding some wimpy psychological element into things).

One guy speaks up and says "Yeah, it's kinda like those hairs that grow on the end of your dick."

We all turned and stared at him for a minute as he tried to look for a friendly face to laugh with, which he never got.

I was reminded of this after a similarly awkward event that occurred in my Black Literature and Aesthetics course, which is just as lame as it sounds. The teacher is dispassionate about any course material and nervous about her job. Even though she's black, she's afraid to use the word "nigger", replacing it with the words "racial epithet" when we read over it in class. She needs to be fired for her denial of reality.

Anyway, a white girl was asked to read the dialogue from some white guy at the first NAACP convention in like 1910, during a debate over whether black literature should make blacks look cool and smart, or whether they should use stereotypes to do some creative trickery. This was interesting, except the girl who was reading it got very, very nervous and even though the passage used the words "negro" and "nigger" she kept stumbling between the two at every instance, making a jumble of "niggero-I-mean-nig-I mean-negro", which no one else seemed to acknowledge but me. After she was done, I exchanged glances that I, too, felt her pain under the oppression from the black man and him keeping us down with his stupid guilt and quest for reparations. It's all about words, and we're losing the battle right now.

While we're talking about race-I-mean-nig-I-mean-racial epithets, I learned the other day that the word "jew", alone, offends some people. I used the word and a girl started speaking up for me to stop using "that word". I asked her what I'm supposed to say instead of jew so I don't hurt her feelings, and she said "I dunno, 'person of the jewish faith or race' or just 'jewish person'."

So let's just brush up a bit:

"Jew" has one syllable.

"Person of the Jewish Faith" has seven syllables.

I explained to her that she was a fucking moron if she thought I was going to linguistically detour around common terms so that she doesn't feel bad about her society or that she isn't more ethnic and can't share suffering with people. Likewise, I am fine being called a "mic" or even "Irish stallion", those terms don't affect me because I. am. strong.

the joke's on you

There's a guy on campus named James that delivers mail to everyone in their departments, labs, or wherever. He's not a very smart guy, which can be seen through his socal skills. Allow me to explain.

James learns a new joke every day that he tells to everyone that he delivers mail to. They are nice, clean little jokes such as:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide!

This seems quaint and cute and a nice little detail of everyday life, but life simply isn't always a fucking Norman Rockwell cartoon. James chooses to complicate things a bit.

First of all, he will NOT leave your lab or office until he tells you the joke. Also, he won't tell you that he even has the joke to tell. So you have to sit there awkwardly, wondering why he doesn't leave. He just stands there watching you work, staring. Eventually you remember to ask him if he's heard any good jokes lately, at which point he tells you, absorbs your forced laughter and continues on with his deliveries.

However, if you are, let's say, new to the department and don't know this guy, you're in for some fun. James will stay there and stay there, and hopefully someone who knows the situation will walk by and glance in, asking James if he knows a good joke and relieving you from the awkwardness. Otherwise, he will stare and stare and stare while you try to look as busy and occupied as you can, or try to find an excuse to leave the room.

This, I feel, is a complex allegory that James places on the world. Like some kind of genius Batman villain, his pseudo-superpower (oh wait, Joker is already taken. shit.) is jokes that he dispenses on a regular basis, while playing a joke on everyone and punishing them for being scientists that actually do things for society, while he is stuck moving boxes all day. Rather than a roaming simpleton, James is a diabolical madman, bent on destroying scientific research as we know it! We have to plot something to stop this man, once we can figure out a way to make him leave the room so he doesn't hear us.

For those of you who are going to be watchmakers, here's something nice to make you smile.

holy shit

This is the coolest thing I've seen in a while. Graphic design, any digital art, gaming, you name it would/will be very different with this. I want one tomorrow.

Multi-Touch Screen

Hopefully I won't form a habit of just linking to shit instead of being original, but these negro mimes sure do love Jesus!

"Roller blade-ing & meeting new friends are the things to do in Eastern Europe." -Tatjana

Thanks for the inside scoop, Tatjana! I'll be sure to roller-blade and meet new friends with you and the rest of the gang at DownSyndromeDolls.com!

dammit dammit dammit

Ok, granted my death metal band rules 666 times harder than any other, this one has a pretty great website, one that will be difficult to 1-up. Mouse-over the skull to make it scream.

how to be a great parent

In high school, a buddy and I decided there were some things that we would definitely do once we had kids someday. Here are a few I can actually remember:

1.) Make their middle name "Fucking" (i.e. "My name is Josh Fucking Rankhorn), so that way they seem really serious and intense and no one will fuck with them, and your kid will turn out tough and cool.

2.) At breakfast, act like those parents from the cereal commercials who are all stupid and curious about the cereal in question. Say something like "But how DO they cram all that flavor into that little O?" or "So why do you kids EAT that stuff then?" and allow your kid to come up with some total wiseass response like "Get a CLUE, Dad! Pshht!" or "Because I'm a KID, that's why!" Then act like they totally zonked you with this response and that you're really confused by saying something like "Whaa?!" and doing a double take. This will boost their self confidence.

3.) On Christmas, stand outside their window dressed like Santa Claus and rev a chainsaw and just stare and laugh hysterically into their room. Keep standing there for a while, as a reminder that Christmas isn't about Santa, but is about Christian love and values.

idea i had in my sleep last night

Need some Valentine's Day flowers for your sweetie? Paint a shitty likeness of the Virgin Mary in some random obscure place around town. Then just sit back and wait for the Catholics to find it. When they start putting flowers (and necklaces and candles other dumb shit) under it, take your pick of their stuff, give it to your sugar-angel-biscuit-pop, and you're on a one-way trip to Romance City, my friend!

just a little FYI, you guys.

All of the Ricky Gervais shows can be downloaded here, via the annoying RapidShare thing that only millionaires use. Grumble.

Point is, you can get them and keep them and burn them and listen to them in the car and be really happy about yourself.