Dear Hank....

Dear Hank,
What if there was a chinese guy a hundred feet tall?
Sincerely,
Penelope Cosgrove




Great question, Penelope. Lots of people are tall. Whites, blacks, even mulattos. Some kinds of people, though, are very predictable in their stature, including the Chinese. People say they're the biggest population on Earth, but they look pretty short to me. Ha! Seriously, may god never damn us with a one hundred foot tall Chinese guy. Let's put on our thinking caps and pretend he did...

1. Yao Ming would suddenly feel very inadequate, shutting himself in and eventually resorting to suicide.
2. He would sell out to a shitty Chinese buffet and stand out by the four-lane waving for people to come in.
3. He'd probably eat a lot of Chinese food, but that joke is a little easy so I'm just going to skip it.
4. He'd build a lot of railroads in a short amount of time, kind of like a chink John Henry

So to sum up, Penelope, the change in the world due to this hundred foot tall Chinese guy would be so inconcievably radical that we would just have to kill him to avoid destroying ourselves.


Captain Hank is a regular contributor to Hank's Hefty Helpings, as well as badass extraordinaire and author of his own series of pre-teen mystery novels. If you have a question for Dear Hank, send by e-mail to gumbobiscuits@gmail.com.